Short Fiction--Two Old Biddies on the Beach: Part 3

“When I’m old, I want to sit around all day long and diddle myself.”

“Yeah? Well, when I’m old I’m going to have sex morning, noon, and night!”

We just don’t hear this around the water cooler as young professionals, do we? So, why, pray tell, is my sweet dear mum getting dirty magazines in the mail?

I’m not squeamish about sex and believe being in love ignites a healthy appetite. Mumzie Dearest came up just before the sexual revolution of the sixties, among nuns, so one just doesn’t toss the rag across the breakfast nook looking her square in the eye demanding an explanation. More power to her, I say. Right on, I say. 

It’s just that I’m at a loss as to when elder care catalogs began including sex toys. I mean, where on Earth have I been? Not even tucked demurely between the moo-moos and the age spot fade cream—but in centerfold spreads? 

“Fly to New Heights of Passion” read one product’s head line. This gadget’s meant to tickle and tease the ol’ gal’s way to satisfaction. The massive pink dildo claimed “Blissful Sensations”. A horrifying thing that appears to have been borrowed from the Klingons promised to satisfy EVERY desire. All I can say is that Carol Wright is a naughty, naughty girl!

The Leopard Print Body Shaper, however, caught my eye. Mom's been looking for such a thing to hold things more compact beneath the formal gown she’s obliged to wear to a late summer wedding. Nothing like a tinge of animal print under nothings to make a woman feel more…alive, right? Mayhaps I’ll surprise the frisky silver fox with one of Wright’s ‘Gifts’. Only $16.99 to procure her a spandex induced ‘sexy silhouette’. There she’ll be, tearing up the dance floor with moves that will leave the grandpas blushing and the grannie-in-laws gaping. A wedding to remember! 

Yes! I think I shall! After all, I am trained in CPR. All’s good that ends well, no? 

Oh, wait. It says it comes with a built in battery operated "Butterfly". Whazthat?